I was on my way into the office a few mornings ago, struggling to hike up my dress skirt, balance a bag full of mostly vegetarian diet food and my purse when the clouds parted, Jesus sang to me (not really, calm your tits) and I had an epiphany- this might be the life that I always feared would "happen" to me. Here I am at 36, a bit round in shape at the moment, no significant other and absolutely no sex life to speak of, a cat at home who has a massive urinary tract infection, my hair is a mess and I probably have a brand new hemorrhoid. Not hemorrhoids. Just one. Hemorrhoid. I've named him Brett. Let's face it, we've all known some asshole name Brett in our life. Brett Huntington the Third. Or Brad. Brad Hunter Twatwaffle Regington the Third.
Haha. Asshole. Get it? I digress. (It's Brett, by the way. He may or may not be named after an ex. I can neither confirm nor deny).
I realized, every weekday morning I walk into a job where I repeatedly covet delicious dreams that the eight or nine years hours I'm there will speed by as quickly as possible and contemplate how I turned into a giant adult loser (she says with her trademark delightful tongue-in-cheek humor. I've gotten myself to the point in life where I can make self-deprecating comments and it's OK, because I don't REALLY mean them, but hear me out anyway). For all the things listed above and about ten billion more I can think of, I had let myself go to the point of practically being unrecognizable in the mirror. Most of the time, I actually avoid mirrors. I don't think I've worn makeup in weeks. When I do post pictures of myself, for the most part I edit beforehand with a makeup app because let's be real, my eyelashes will never be that fabulous. Yes, I'm a big cheating cheater (but it's OK because deep down, I really do think I am beautiful). I really did just allow things to "happen" to me, because I wasn't taking control over the things that made me accountable for really living my own life (alcohol, weight issues). When you drink and eat your face off for two years straight, it doesn't make you a terribly attractive person, inside or out. It is far easier to stare at potato salad and Chardonnay than at another person and be intimate with them. Looking in people's eyes is creepy anyway. Don't look at me. DON'T.
So what do I truly desire at the moment, above all things? I want things I would have eaten without hesitation a mere 2 months ago. I really really want a donut. Or a bacon wrapped cheeseburger. French fries. Chinese food. An entire pizza. ICE CREAM. A DONUT BACON WRAPPED MAC AND CHEESE-BURGER. A PULLED PORK STEAK BACON SANDWICH DRIZZLED WITH MAPLE SYRUP IN BETWEEN TWO PINEAPPLE UPSIDE DOWN PANCAKES.
I mean, c'mon man. Look at that. LOOK AT IT.
But I won't, and here's why:
I've been going hard at the clean eating and exercise for about a month now. I've already lost 10 pounds, perhaps a bit more depending on what starting weight we're going by and EW NO I'M NOT SHARING THAT NUMBER. It's not easy. It's actually really hard for someone who loves food and drink and couches and being horizontal. Plus, I'm not in my twenties anymore, I don't have great genetics, and I'm fighting this battle living in a nation where portion size and high fructose corn syrup are revered more than US Weekly. Or religion. Or the Karda- you know what? I can't even type that name in my blog. I have too much respect for myself.
The first thing people always ask is...how? How are you doing it? While I could tell you it's not rocket science (diet, exercise, weights (A LOT A LOT A LOT OF WEIGHTS), drink a shitload of water, DO NOT DRINK ANY ALCOHOL WHATSOEVER) it is vastly more complex than that. I think earnestly about everything I am putting in my body. In order to make drastic physical changes in a very short amount of time, clean eating and incredible restraint with portion control have been key. I'm going to London next month and that was a huge catalyst for my sudden lifestyle change. I would have begun this process much sooner if I could have, but I was so sick for most of this year that I honestly began when I could. Oh, I probably forgot to mention I was so sick because I WAS DRINKING MYSELF TO THE POINT OF PHYSICAL ILLNESS. (PS. How fucked up is it that I have a mental illness/addiction that even though I know it will make me sick, I keep doing it? THANKS, BRAIN.)
But I want to share what I think is the most important take away, in other words (and also to quote Cabin Pressure) THE SECRET TO MY ENORMOUS SUCCESS!
You have to want it more than anyone else wants it.
You have to want it more than anything else in the entire world.
That may seem excessive (IN CASE YOU HADN'T NOTICED, I'M A DRAMA QUEEN) but I do not do things at 50%. I do them at 113%. This method may not work for everyone. My style is balls to the wall, everythingIamandhaveandwillbegetsputintoasingularfocusuntilIreachmygoal. This is how I do. I eat a lot of fruits and vegetables. I do arm weights almost every day. I do semi vertical push-ups and lunges in the handicapped stall at work every time I got to the bathroom. I do arm circles at my desk and I don't care who sees me. I have a hashtag for that. It's #BeastMode. I live and breathe eating well and making myself stronger.
When I am doing jumping jacks, lifting weights, or doing crunches, I yell, to myself, out loud. I yell things like "YOU WANT THIS" "YOU CAN DO THIS" "YOU'RE GOING TO BE SO HOT" "YOU ARE THE QUEEN OF EVERYTHING LOOK AT YOU YOU BAD-ASS GODDESS OF SWEAT" "KITTENS ARE AWESOME," etc. But it works for me. It helps to hear a voice, especially your own, telling you OUT LOUD IN AN ANGRY WEIGHTLIFTING, ASS KICKING MANNER that you are good enough, strong enough, and powerful enough to make that change you so desperately want.
When I am doing jumping jacks, lifting weights, or doing crunches, I yell, to myself, out loud. I yell things like "YOU WANT THIS" "YOU CAN DO THIS" "YOU'RE GOING TO BE SO HOT" "YOU ARE THE QUEEN OF EVERYTHING LOOK AT YOU YOU BAD-ASS GODDESS OF SWEAT" "KITTENS ARE AWESOME," etc. But it works for me. It helps to hear a voice, especially your own, telling you OUT LOUD IN AN ANGRY WEIGHTLIFTING, ASS KICKING MANNER that you are good enough, strong enough, and powerful enough to make that change you so desperately want.
If you take anything away from what I am sharing today, it's that while you ARE fantastic enough as you are, if you want to make a change physically/mentally/emotionally, do what works to GET YOU TO THE GOAL. I still have a long way to go myself. I will need help. I know I WILL get there. But you have to do what works for you. Write notes for yourself and put them on the mirror if you have to. Smile when you actually DO look at yourself in the mirror (I'm still working on this one). Yell at yourself, but only awesomely positive, motivational and inspirational phrases. Eat a banana instead of a Snickers, but please don't look anyone directly in the eye when doing this. Yell more intensely positive things to yourself. Yell at your cat. (Actually, don't yell at your cat. That's just mean. Unless she wakes you up at 3 a.m. for no goddamn good reason and then yell. But pet her a lot afterwards.)
If I can do this, you can. You can. YOU CAN.
YOU. CAN.
As one of my best friends would say, "You do you."
As one of my best friends would say, "You do you."
P.S. Brett says hi.
P.P.S. I have a giant blemish on my forehead too. HIS name is Brad.
