*please note this post has references to self harm, depression, and suicidal thoughts*
A while ago, I took several Xanax, a sleeping pill and drank a lot of wine. A LOT of wine. I was hurting a lot; I hadn't seen my therapist in many months (and this was before I went on new meds that seem to have helped IMMENSELY), and still mourning what seems to be the loss of a very good friend 6 months ago. Not to mention, I am and have been undergoing massive change with a new job and an impending move. So...I drank. As previously mentioned I believe, I have self-harmed before and it's never been with the intent of ending my life, but pain is pain and those of us who feel it feel it ever so deeply sometimes do this to feel escape from the emotional grief. So that eveing, when I was good and shitcanned, I accidentally broke a wineglass putting it in the dishwasher. Pulling it out, I looked at the jagged, razor-edged remains and immediately began carving the glass into my left wrist, which is where I have consistently self harmed as I am right handed.
I don't want to die, truly. I have had thoughts that lead me down the path of "perhaps it would be easier...not to feel anything..." which, as the brilliant Mark Gatiss and Stephen Moffat recently wrote for BBC Sherlock, your life is not your own. Keep your hands off it. Your life is over; the people left behind are the ones who have to pick up the pieces. And I could never do that to the many people I love with all my being.
I wish my brain understood all things in life are impermanent, especially pain...one has to simply feel it without masking it via addiction of any kind and...just feel it. Buddhist teachings tell us so. But addicts have an extremely difficult time with acceptance, therein lies the masking of our brilliance with substance abuse. I wish I didn't know glass cuts much more deeply and scars more than a knife will. I don't want anyone to know or experience this, which is why I feel the need to try to help others. And I hope I do help by telling you...don't leave. Don't leave us. Don't leave me. Don't leave YOU.
Now comes the tattoo tale.
I hate tattoos. Hate them. I don't currently have any and in the past I have expressed very strong opinions against them; a bit close-minded to be sure but I associated them with a certain, well...class of person. I think it's because I grew up SO damn conservative with very Republican, opinionated and restrictive parents that I shut myself off from the idea of permanently marking myself with something I might regret later. On many people, it is art, but for myself, small steps. (Tangent: It'll be fucking hilarious to see how this goes over with the fam when they see it). *cackles*
I chose a Chinese symbol (verified with my sister's father-in-law, who is Chinese and reads and writes it every day) to make sure that I'm getting the symbol correctly done. Not terribly big, small enough to be delicate and still classy.
Behold:
The Raven.
So the significance of the Raven tattoo has multiple meanings for me. First of all, it is and always has been my favorite Edgar Allan Poe poem. The juxtaposition of darkness and the light is sublime. It will be a constant reminder recognizing my darkness and I'm a powerful being who will acknowledge the demon who sits ever-present, whose "eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming."
My demon is there.
On my wrist, there the Raven tattoo shall be.
Where I used to harm myself.
The multitude of other reasons for my choice are as follows:
^ French anthropologist Claude Lévi-Strauss proposed a theory that suggests the raven obtained mythic status because it was a mediator animal between life and death (how very, very fitting). As a carrion bird, ravens became associated with the dead and with lost souls. (I am not lost. I was lost. There are many who feel lost, but we find ourselves eventually, do we not? Just say: I am not lost. I am wandering. And I am simply perfectly imperfect.)
^ In Greek mythology, ravens are associated with Apollo, the god of prophecy. They are said to be a symbol of good luck, and were the god's messengers in the mortal world. (The lightness comes into play, because I carry it too, like a white raven on my shoulder.)
^ For tattoos, the raven is typically seen as a symbol of darkness, mystery and death, but it can also symbolize the good attributes within a person. (I carry my darkness and mystery with me, but I am a good person. I know this because I KNOW I am a good person.)
^ The symbolic meaning of the Raven in Native American lore describes the raven as a creature of metamorphosis, and symbolizes change/transformation. (No better time like the present!)
^ To the Vikings, the raven is a common iconic figure in Norse mythology. The highest god Odin had two ravens named Huginn and Muninn ("thought" and "memory" respectively) who flew around the world bringing back tidings to their master. (Honestly, no related impact for my tattoo, just, you know...calm the fuck down, Odin.)
^ So why a Chinese character? My niece and nephew are half-Chinese. Two additional reasons to not drink or self-harm. How could I? They are my light and life...there is no darkness there.
My demon is there.
On my wrist, there the Raven tattoo shall be.
Where I used to harm myself.
Nevermore. NEVER. MORE.
The multitude of other reasons for my choice are as follows:
^ French anthropologist Claude Lévi-Strauss proposed a theory that suggests the raven obtained mythic status because it was a mediator animal between life and death (how very, very fitting). As a carrion bird, ravens became associated with the dead and with lost souls. (I am not lost. I was lost. There are many who feel lost, but we find ourselves eventually, do we not? Just say: I am not lost. I am wandering. And I am simply perfectly imperfect.)
^ In Greek mythology, ravens are associated with Apollo, the god of prophecy. They are said to be a symbol of good luck, and were the god's messengers in the mortal world. (The lightness comes into play, because I carry it too, like a white raven on my shoulder.)
^ For tattoos, the raven is typically seen as a symbol of darkness, mystery and death, but it can also symbolize the good attributes within a person. (I carry my darkness and mystery with me, but I am a good person. I know this because I KNOW I am a good person.)
^ The symbolic meaning of the Raven in Native American lore describes the raven as a creature of metamorphosis, and symbolizes change/transformation. (No better time like the present!)
^ To the Vikings, the raven is a common iconic figure in Norse mythology. The highest god Odin had two ravens named Huginn and Muninn ("thought" and "memory" respectively) who flew around the world bringing back tidings to their master. (Honestly, no related impact for my tattoo, just, you know...calm the fuck down, Odin.)
^ So why a Chinese character? My niece and nephew are half-Chinese. Two additional reasons to not drink or self-harm. How could I? They are my light and life...there is no darkness there.
^ Last but not least, if Ravens ever leave the Tower of London, London will fall!!!!! (Just like if Mrs. Hudson ever leaves Baker Street...)*
Today's lesson: the pain you feel now will lead you down the road to believe in the beauty you possess, because you ARE beautiful. And if you need to permanently etch a reminder on yourself reasons to keep going, to you I say...why not?
Today is day 1. There will be a day 2. And many, many, many more.
My appointment is tomorrow. The rest of my life simply follows. Namaste.
(Comic relief: please to enjoy Thug Notes Summary and Analysis of the Raven)**
* too many literary references? Fuck off.
**always leave 'em laughing
