I have feels...

I have been having one of the most stressful weeks I've ever had. Work always gets a bit hurricane-y during the end of the month, but I've been steadily getting busier for the last few months. Not complaining at all, it's job security, right?...but as y'all know, I do a bit of photography on the side and after many weeks without engagements, I've managed to book four sessions this week. (Gulp) So....heightened stress, for sure...but the I was in the GTITW's office and suddenly, there I was....crying. Sure, stress and exhaustion (oh riiiiight, add insomnia to this list as well!) will make anyone a tad tender and raw, but something slashed deep. Talking, crying, working inner shit out, that's what my 2013 has been all about (look, I rhymed!). I won't delve into the logorrhea I often do when it comes to spilling my guts out very publicly, so I will sum up by saying: rough day, rough week, beyond, BEYOND tired, and all I really want to do is sit in a meditative, yogic state on the top of a mountain, under a tree...or at the edge of the ocean. And cry some more.

I don't believe in a higher power, or that things happen for a reason, or things perhaps being slightly serendipitous, but I came back to work after my appointment fairly drained and back to, well, more working (always working away at something these days, it feels thus, and I have high hopes that eventually this may lead to great success- let's just say, I have my acceptance speech prepped and ready...) and then...a few things happened.

I was preparing to wrap up my day and head for some much needed yoga, when a man stopped dead in front of my desk. I'd seen him around many times in the past almost year that I've been working at my new position, but I don't think I'd ever really conversed with him (except once to tell him he looked fabulous in his Cleopatra costume at Halloween.) He started speaking first, telling me he designs costumes and that he was currently trying to find a pattern for Marilyn Monroe's "naked dress," the one worn when she sung 'Happy Birthday' to JFK for his sister...all while smiling at my Marilyn calendar I have hanging at my desk. We traded adorable anecdotes and random Marilyn facts before he smiled and said, "By the way, I'm Michael." OK...adorable and...my inner smile sure was back...

The evening continues with a fabulous yoga class (and wonderful friend and teacher, Alex) and as I'm heading home, completely spent, I receive a text from her telling me that her mom (in town and next to me in class) told her "I really enjoyed Ariane and practicing next to her energy and that it made her session more enjoyable. Ariane is just lovely!"

Well....fuck me sideways with surprise.

I'm not completely sure what my message is exactly this evening, except perhaps for perhaps saying, exactly what I needed to be surrounded with (positivity and light) and hear (more awesome stuff about me, haha) suddenly manifested itself before me and day...no longer as difficult. Yeah, I'm still batshit tired and busy and going balls to the wall at the moment, but in these moments, I was reminded to slooooooooooooow doooooooooown and, well, be in that moment. There are ups and downs, and sometimes more downs while you're down and continually being kicked down. But even when you think you're a terrible photographer, friend, worker, human being...people usually are right there to remind you, you're pretty fucking terrific. And your hardest critic is often...you. In my case, me.

So knock it off, pipsqueak. You're fabulous...as am I.

I'M SORRY!!!!!!

Been mad busy, and I miss blogging to my peeps, but I've had so much photography and work related stuff going on it's been MADNESS...like a SUPERMASSIVE BLACK HOLE of non-stop running around in the STARLIGHT with my UNDISCLOSED DESIRES making me want to cause an UPRISING...

Also, been listening to far too much Muse lately.

So know that I miss you and I want to be inspirational and I have 10 million ideas smashing themselves together in my brain like tiny atoms highly accelerated that I want to share...let's hope a God Particle or something emerges.

So while you're waiting for me to get my shit together....let's take a moment to appreciate this picture. That's right. ENNNNNJOOOOOYYYY, Sherlock fans. Wish I was in the Jeep too... *pout*

I Am.

I feel charming, oh so charming...

Confidence. It's a dark, conniving little trickster. It only takes one remark from someone to light your soul on fire with conviction to go out into the world and announce, "I'm glorious, bitches! COME AND SEE HOW GOOD I LOOK!"(copyright Anchorman, circa two-thousand something.............something, something dark side...)

............and yet, so easy and heartbreaking to smash one's self confidence into a million pieces.

About two years ago, I was desperately unhappy. I was overweight, drinking far too much, and eating everything in sight to dampen my emotions and furthering my downward spiral. I was still vaguely trying to date every possible candidate in hopes of quelling the ever-expanding loneliness in my life. I realize that I had absolutely zero self-esteem, and believe me, it showed. The culmination of my misery was when a guy I happened to be dating actually came out and told me I was fat and unattractive. Actually, I believe his exact words were:

    "It's not your fault, I just guess I lost all attraction to you after seeing you naked..."

Oh, my.

And you can understand thus why my inner model/bitch was wickedly shattered....until about now.

Granted, I've lost 34 pounds since that time, developed a far healthier lifestyle and love myself a great deal more than I once did......but an immense quantity of that had nothing to do with my physical improvements. I still have those days where, as outside opinions reveal, I still think of myself as "the fat girl,"which is true- but the thing about having your innermost fears exposed once, nothing can take you  past bottom anymore. But it really is about attitude. I'm not and never will be a size 2 (thank sweet baby Jesus, because I love food and drink too much),  because it's about balance. I may not grace the covers of a fitness or glossy glamour mag, but that's OK: what's in, shines out. I have wit, a way with words, a talent for beautiful photography, and the love of family and friends.

So why in the holy ever-loving fuck should I NOT be confident? I am all that and a bottle of 2008 Stag's Leap Cabernet Sauvignon, Artemis (in case anyone is buying.) Own your confidence, dance like you're on meth, and godammit, give your heart away once in a while. You may just win a jackpot.

Love you, Bitchcakes. 

Oh yeah, the point of all of this, and the picture (tee hee, Toothless), is that I'm terrible at taking compliments. So thank you, to everyone who believes in me, and tells and thinks of me as beautiful, inside and out. I'm finally starting to believe y'all.

And when complimented, I will simply say, "Thank you"...because they are probably right. Otherwise, they wouldn't have told me.

BORED!

Only Fan-Locks will get it.

Origins

Ariane is a feminine name. It is a French translation of the Greek name Ariadne. It may refer to:

- Ariane (rocket family), a family of European rockets operated by Arianespace. arianespace.com

- In Hesiod and most other accounts, Theseus abandoned Ariadne sleeping on Naxos, and Dionysus rediscovered and wedded her. In a few versions of the myth, Dionysus appeared to Theseus as they sailed away from Crete, saying that he had chosen Ariadne as his wife, and demanded that Theseus leave her on Naxos for him; this has the effect of absolving the Athenian culture-hero of desertion. The vase-painters of Athens often showed Athena leading Theseus from the sleeping Ariadne to his ship.

With Dionysus, she was the mother of Oenopion, the personification of wine, Staphylus (related to grapes), Thoas, Peparethus, Phanus, Eurymedon, Enyeus, Ceramus, Maron, Euanthes, Latramys and Tauropolis. Her wedding diadem was set in the heavens as the constellation Corona.

The Art of William Whitaker

"Ariadne"

So, if I conclude by drawing a parallel to my own life, I will be abandoned by a mighty, great and wandering man, only to be rescued by A GOD (yes, the goddamn God) of wine and passion...

Or I'm a spaceship.

Either way, I'm OK with this.

Sometimes I pretend to be normal...

Today's words of wisdom:

"Not caring" is the new black

"Fear of rejection is a sign of neediness - specifically, the need to be liked." - Jim Camp

Today I want to discuss not caring. Not NOT caring about the things that matter, such as dear friends, close family, your mental and emotional well-being, and taking care of your body and physical health. And I'm certainly not insinuating that I'm running around proclaiming that I have it all figured out and I don't listen to people's opinions because I know me and I know who I am and besides, people who claim repeatedly how little they care about the outside world are, well, LYING because if they have to make such announcements constantly to the world then they really DO care what people think and, and- well, you get the idea.  The IDEA itself is meretricious because it is fabulous- the ability to let go of outside concerns and criticisms is freeing. The execution of said awesomeness is, well, not so effortless...

(Tangent: Is it odd that when I'm blogging and re-reading it back to myself, my head-voice has a British accent? Maybe my brain thinks I'm fancy...)

So what does it mean, then, to not "care"? Buddhism would describe this as "detachment," or "non-attachment." Many think this to mean being aloof, cold, or haughty, but in truth, it's what may set your soul free: defined as a release from desire and consequently from suffering, it means to understand that everything has impermanence. In five years, are the tiny disappointments of today really going to matter in the grand adventure that is "YOUR LIFE"? Everything and everyone ends: relationships, jobs, living situations- our lives are in constant states of change. You will end. I will end. In 50 years most of the people I care for will be long gone, perhaps myself included...(Nah, no way. I'll be out on that porch, drinking my whisky and holding my shotgun, ten cats hanging out of my hair and yelling at kids to get off my lawn...I'm outliving everyone, bitchcakes, WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!) What doesn't end is your strength, smile, perseverance, love, your heart, ambition, drive, mind, self-education, self-improvement, self-love, and humor. So care about the big things, and the little moments of bliss. Just don't get stuck thinking the negative stuff will follow you around like a little black rain cloud. What matters is how and why and how you're going to live today like it's your birthday, all day, every day.

So consider this the next time you feel angry, displeased or slighted...and you might actually turn up with a smile.

But as ever, I'll leave you with this charming epithet that explains how I really feel, spoken in the ever-eloquent words of my inner smart-ass:

Can ya tell it's Friday?

All I have is wine related.

Happy Friday.

Which one will you choose?

I am the candle, 

You are the dark.

There is nothing left, merely naked and stark.

Stripped bare to truth,

Unguarded, to see:

What forever exposed

 is the 

real,

true,

me.

Fulfillment 101: What You Need to Do

Hobbies: those things that I do that prevent me from going batshit, balls out crazy. I blog. I write. I do photography. I paint. I read. I study Buddhism. I enjoy the finer things in life when I can, like wines and cheese wine. I do yoga, Zumba, and hike (when it's not 100 millions degrees outside in AZ). I used to play the cello, I speak German (and occasionally take a stab at French, Spanish and Japanese). I've volunteered at an animal shelter, attend many cancer walks, and regularly donate funds towards children, cancer and animal related charities. I travel often to L.A. to spend time with family and my beloved ocean. All in all, I try to stay busy and fulfilled.

Sooooo....why do I still feel like my life isn't complete in every way it "should" be, or that there's a piece still missing from becoming the person I REALLY want to be?

Here I was, on a random Tuesday afternoon, describing a typical "day in the life" to the greatest therapist in the world (yes, she reads this blog, but she really IS the most amazing therapist in the history of all of the everything) and it went something like this: I woke up, I spent 8+ hours at work, I worked out (Monday was Zumba, wheeeeeeeeeeeee). I watched six episodes of Community, blogged, pissed away an hour on Pinterest and playing Mahjong...and went to sleep, only to start the same thing over again tomorrow.

First of all (duh), my entire day was spent in front of a screen, one way or another, and I felt the only two activities that contributed to the betterment of my soul were my exercise and my creative outlet of this blog. I realize that with all of our busy schedules and hectic lives during the work week, it's difficult to not want to completely check out at the end of the day, face-down in pajamas and ice cream and drooling on whichever one of our pets we happen to fall asleep on. Hence, I have now scheduled into my daily routine something I call: "My Italian Hour."

Yes, this is a direct answer to my friend's blog, Chantelle Says, in regards to "the pleasure of doing nothing" referred to in Eat, Pray, Love. Americans work too hard, rest too little, and "play" in ways that seem to exhaust ourselves even more. So no, it's not about sitting in a cubicle for most of your day: it's about the conversation you make with a complete stranger in a waiting room and making them laugh. It's  about helping someone clean up their dropped lunch in the kitchen at work when no one else bothers to lift a finger. And as much as I love being a couch slug as anyone (especially justifying laziness after a good workout), I want to LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST!! ZEST! NO FEAR! A PLAYFUL ATTITUDE TOWARDS EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE! And truly ENJOY what I am doing in that moment, with mindfulness and positivity at all times.

So- any thoughts on what my next hobby should be? Skydiving? Pottery? Art classes? Needlepoint? Crafts? (CRAFTS!!) I'm open to suggestion! Let's get happily busy, people. But most importantly: STAY happily busy. 

It's late and I'm exhausted...

So this is all I have left in me tonight, but I can't leave you hanging without your daily inspiration.

It was a good day and I intend to share a much longer post tomorrow. Until then, sleep sweet, bitchcakes.

Things to ponder on a Monday...

I'm imperfect. I'll admit it. I don't have all of the answers, I don't have a miracle cure, and I hate that I never used to sweat out of my face before I moved to Arizona and now I do ALL THE TIME. But because I don't have this whole "life" thing all figured out yet (however, I have good leads: I think it has something to do with not being afraid to just LIVE...), who better to lead the blind than someone who's figuring it all out as she goes along? (This way, you get to make mistakes WITH me, wheeeeeee, FUUUUUUUUUUUUN, let's do this, bitches!) A friend posted an article from the Huffington post today that really exemplifies what my conundrum has been for the past month or so, and the reason for my creating a new blog devoted to be a positive and inspirational text for 20 and 30-somethings who perhaps need a little informative, albeit sarcastic guidance. 

Kris Carr, a cancer survivor, wrote this truly stunning article on The Huffington Post back in January 2013 that presents the simplest of questions for you to ponder if you are like me (and everyone else on the planet), wondering what significant impact, if any, I leave behind once I'm gone. I'm sharing because it's the exact opposite of what we've been told "finding our purpose" looks like- and I for one think it's the most brilliant, insightful article I've read in a while. So ask yourself these questions tonight:

"What if your purpose is very different than what you've been taught to believe?

*What if your purpose is to build an everlasting relationship with yourself? To fall deeply in love with precious you? This isn't self-centered or selfish, it's self-expansive. Interconnected. Conscious.

*What if your purpose is to forgive yourself and others? And by doing so, to allow warm waves of compassion to wash over the entire planet (yourself included).

*What if your purpose is to gently heal all self-injury? And by doing so, to become a mentor and role model for others to do the same.

*What if your purpose is to release all shame and feelings of unworthiness? Guess what you'll find behind those feelings? Vulnerability. Roll out the red carpet for the V-word, because vulnerability is where your true strength and glory reside.

*Shall we talk about perfection? Yes, I think we must. What if your purpose is to teach yourself that there is no such thing as perfection and that your never ending pursuit of it is destroying your life and your relationships. Let it go.

*What if your purpose is to speak kindly to yourself so that you elevate your energy and the world around you?

*What if your purpose is to develop an everlasting faith in yourself? To remember your holiness and treat yourself accordingly. The deeper your faith gets, the stronger your connection to a higher power.

*What if your purpose is to take impeccable care of yourself so that you have the energy and joy to serve others?"

The full article is available at the link below. Truly inspiring...and not at all bitchy. Like me.

 (smiley face)

www.huffingtonpost.com/kris-carr/finding-your-purpose

Just watch me burn.

What matters most 

is how well

you walk through the fire.

~ Charles Bukowski