You and I

"And I find it kind of funny

I find it kind of sad

The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had

I find it hard to tell you,

I find it hard to take

When people run in circles it's a very, very

Mad world, mad world."

When you look upon the face of this woman, what is it you see? 

Do you see joy? Someone enraptured by melody and bass? Carefree singing? Do you see someone beautiful? Do you find yourself wondering about almost too perfect makeup. skin. and teeth? Do you see love? Happiness? Some familiarity in sensation? A kindred spirit? Passion?

...Freedom?

Shatter your illusion of what you think no one else could possibly feel or understand... It isn't real. It's an outside facing mirror so others may see a glimpse of themselves. Me and you, you and I, in a perfect symbiotic frolic. Happy on the outside, a storm on the inside: that's what we hide, our honesty, our pain, our sometimes everlasting darkness.

We disappear so that we may intertwine. 

Don't disappear. Everything you have ever feared, someone has too. Every doubt you've ever had, someone shares those same doubts. Many people tell me I'm an inspiration, I'm brave, I'm honest. They say they admire my story, my struggle. The thing they don't know is I'm not winning at life, but I am living it. I struggle every day. EVERY. DAY. I'm not brave. I only no longer have anything to hide.

I want you to know we're the same.

This is the face of someone who is insecure: about herself, her relationships, the future, the past, the present. This is the face of someone who couldn't get out of bed on Sunday due to feeling depressed.This the face of someone who cried herself to sleep two nights ago, after crying in the shower for 45 minutes. This the face of someone who feels some level of depression, anxiety and addiction every day. This the face of someone who doubts herself and her abilities every moment. This is the face of someone who is alone, yet fears the very thing of being alone and feels very alone, especially in a room crowded with people. This is the face of someone who is going it alone; no partner, no supplemental income, no support, and too proud to ask for help. This is the face of someone who has new frown lines in her face now when she's paying bills. This is the face of someone who worries that people are watching her move through cities, head down and shy, but she's working on raising her eyes to meet the world's curious gaze. This is the face of someone who has cut herself, ripped off toenails, picked at skin until she bleeds. Sometimes she doesn't feel it. This is the face of someone who has come close to drowning, falling out of a car, and tripping into fire because she was drunk and didn't care. This is the face of someone who actually did consider drowning herself, shooting herself, overdosing, ending it all. This is the face of someone who knows what it means to sacrifice yourself, as a partner or friend, and lose yourself in them. Not anymore. This is the face of someone who tries to be present and 'on' and sometimes spectacularly fails. She doesn't always have to be the clown. This is the face of someone who is not one-dimensional. This is the face of someone who feels fat some days, looking in the mirror hurts but she still gets up and sometimes even climbs mountains. This is the face of someone who wants more, thinks she can be more, hopes she's brave enough to try and steadfast enough to hold against what may come should being 'more' become too much. This is the face of someone who lives in her darkness. This is the face of someone who has survived. Like you.

Is it not the same as yours?

Marvel at the way your fresh skin smells. Wonder about the stars. Sip wine if that's your thing, laugh, look at the sparkling city lights. Hear the cars but pay no attention: you are so much more than a small cog in the wheel. You are important. You are indestructible. You are real, and thriving, and you want more. Don't live a mediocre life. Live to live. Live to love. Live to feel anything but the darkness. Read everything. Find joy. Acknowledge and try to not let your demons get the better of you, but if you can't....play with them. If all else fails, smother them with a pillow and don't let go. Get them gone if you can, out. Don't hide, conquer. Expel the internal twilight by accepting it and letting it be, but know it is nowhere close to permanent, because nothing is. There's a clock counting down. 

Don't leave before you have gazed at the stars and said, "You are bright, punctured holes in a vast, dark space...but you are still light."

Darkness may always be there. But this is me. without my makeup, without my armor. No touch up, no face slimming touch up. This is me. And it's also you. 

I'm still listening to the music. And I'm OK.

And so you are, too.