Confidence. It's a dark, conniving little trickster. It only takes one remark from someone to light your soul on fire with conviction to go out into the world and announce, "I'm glorious, bitches! COME AND SEE HOW GOOD I LOOK!"(copyright Anchorman, circa two-thousand something.............something, something dark side...)
............and yet, so easy and heartbreaking to smash one's self confidence into a million pieces.
About two years ago, I was desperately unhappy. I was overweight, drinking far too much, and eating everything in sight to dampen my emotions and furthering my downward spiral. I was still vaguely trying to date every possible candidate in hopes of quelling the ever-expanding loneliness in my life. I realize that I had absolutely zero self-esteem, and believe me, it showed. The culmination of my misery was when a guy I happened to be dating actually came out and told me I was fat and unattractive. Actually, I believe his exact words were:
"It's not your fault, I just guess I lost all attraction to you after seeing you naked..."
Oh, my.
And you can understand thus why my inner model/bitch was wickedly shattered....until about now.
Granted, I've lost 34 pounds since that time, developed a far healthier lifestyle and love myself a great deal more than I once did......but an immense quantity of that had nothing to do with my physical improvements. I still have those days where, as outside opinions reveal, I still think of myself as "the fat girl,"which is true- but the thing about having your innermost fears exposed once, nothing can take you past bottom anymore. But it really is about attitude. I'm not and never will be a size 2 (thank sweet baby Jesus, because I love food and drink too much), because it's about balance. I may not grace the covers of a fitness or glossy glamour mag, but that's OK: what's in, shines out. I have wit, a way with words, a talent for beautiful photography, and the love of family and friends.
So why in the holy ever-loving fuck should I NOT be confident? I am all that and a bottle of 2008 Stag's Leap Cabernet Sauvignon, Artemis (in case anyone is buying.) Own your confidence, dance like you're on meth, and godammit, give your heart away once in a while. You may just win a jackpot.
Love you, Bitchcakes.
Oh yeah, the point of all of this, and the picture (tee hee, Toothless), is that I'm terrible at taking compliments. So thank you, to everyone who believes in me, and tells and thinks of me as beautiful, inside and out. I'm finally starting to believe y'all.
And when complimented, I will simply say, "Thank you"...because they are probably right. Otherwise, they wouldn't have told me.
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