scared

I have a confession... I don't know how to be inspirational today.

I'm lost right now- treading water in the vast ocean that is life. I even feel guilty for sitting in front of the computer and WRITING about my angst because it means I'm not out there LIVING it.

I've lost my sparkle. And it's because I'm BORED.

TGTITW told me today, as I walked into our weekly session, that for the past 3-4 weeks, she has noticed I'm missing from our discussions. In short, I personally feel I'm not living to my full potential because I'm not really LIVING. It's because I'm tired. I'm utterly exhausted, I have zero energy. I'm a goddamn drone, a cog in the corporate machine, and it's taking a toll. I remember ONCE int he past year where I've taken pictures for myself, and not for a gig. I'm writing, sure, but who's reading? And it's the same every day...wake up shower put on clothes go to work have coffee stare at screen for 8 or more hours in a cubicle leave work go to gym or yoga (which hasn't been happening lately as much as it should be) take shower (yes, AGAIN) write edit blog watch an episode of _______ pop sleeping pill go to bed. I'm. Fucking. Bored. And the suggestion from TGTITW is not to rest, not to sleep more, not to shut down...but I NEED TO BE SLAPPED AWAKE.

I woke up this morning and it was everything I could do to drag myself out of bed and come to work. I can truthfully confess that I have no idea how I am going to feel in the morning. I may have sunk into this "funk" even deeper (the awesome side effects of depression at times). What I hope for is this- I wake up with ZEST- I'm going to TACKLE the day with gusto and fight, fight, FIGHT against my Mental Anguish, who is currently sitting in the corner of my bedroom, wearing a straight-jacket and BEGGING me to please...come play... 

So here's my mid-life crisis- that I am raging against my inner instincts to overcome my fear of living. I'm going to say YES if someone asks me to do something or go somewhere. I'm driving myself up North this weekend to do some photography. I want to get my scuba certification so that I can dive with sharks. I'm going to go skydiving with Anna. Chantelle Says and I have fabulous adventures ahead (and I'm going to get my passport, like now, dammit.) I will chronicle all of my misdeeds and ridiculous schemes because, basically, I'm throwing myself into the fray headfirst.  As TGTITW said today, "It's not you who should be scared of life. LIFE should be concerned about you, firecracker."