The Rabbit of Negative Euphoria

In other words...

Disappointment is a tricky little critter. It can creep up and curl around us like fog, or slam you brain first into a tree. Sometimes you expect it, most of the time (hopefully) you don't. Currently, I can say without hesitation...I am disappointed with certain people and situations that crop up in my life.

Once upon a time, I had a lovely, fabulous, fun weekend. The heat is currently disgusting and oppressive in the Southwest, so even a trip to the grocery store will LITERALLY suck all the life out of your legs. I didn't get to be as active as I would have liked, but I still had plenty of time to chill on my ridiculously comfortable couch and sleep in, clean house, etc. I went out last night with a couple of girlfriends and actually enjoyed some sushi and a fun atmosphere at a neighboring hookah bar (and sober the entire night!!!!) So, why am I not feeling like playing a game of "yellow car" right now?

There were different plans this weekend...plans that involved several (whom I consider close) friends taking me out for an early birthday experience, dressed to the nines, in Scottsdale this weekend. Extenuating circumstances caused plans to change, which certainly happens and I'm not disappointed with anyone who had legitimate reasons of why they dropped out. But because of things that caused plans to change, and also because birthdays are difficult for me, I became painfully aware of just how good a friend I am to people who repeatedly let me down, for one reason or another. And if you're reading this and feel something called a...oh, what is that word...hmmm...thinking...guilty conscience? Perhaps maybe you've bailed or let me down more than once? Then yes, please DO assume I am referring to you.

We all know I fight demons. I'm very open about how generally lost I feel in this world, especially in this "low" period I've been having for a while (but I am starting to feel better, yay!) I know happiness begins with me, and practicing un-attachment in the Buddhist sense is something I'm trying to learn (but not very good at yet). Still, through my darkness and anxiety ridden brain, I have been, and always will be for people what some are not for me:

A GREAT FRIEND.

If you text me, I answer immediately. Call? I'll pick up. I always ask (with genuine concern, especially if I know that someone has had a rough go of things lately) how someone is, without looking for a generic answer. You let me know what you need, and I am THERE, baby. Feeling like you need to get away? SURE, tell me you'll come visit, then disappear for months. Here for you 24/7, like a goddamn 7-11, that's me. Because that's what friends are for...

So let me tell you now and always, my little kumquats, what I Am NOT and what I AM. I am not a doormat. I am not there to be used when you're down and tossed aside when something "better" comes along. I am NOBODY'S "back-up plan." I am the girl in high school who once had a car full of teenage boys follow me off the highway because they thought I was gorgeous. I am the woman who can drive a stick shift wearing 6 inch heels. I am the woman who reads anything and everything I can get my hands on, because I want to learn everything about everything before I die. I am the woman who, before this year is over, will throw myself out of an airplane for fun (get ready, Anna)  and get my passport finally to go on a fabulous adventure (eh, Chantelle?) And I will walk over that doormat image you have of me, right over it, with my six inch heels and LBD.

So my loves, here's what's gonna go down. I'm not going to answer right away anymore. I won't text back when you need me. I will slowly disappear into living my life and you'll be OK without your backup plan. Obviously, I know the difference between someone who genuinely cares and doesn't waste my time. I've just let it go on for far too long.

Meanwhile, I'll just keep calm and Cumberbunny on. And practice that non-attachment.

Bunny image via © Astrocat