F*ck off with the raisins, already

Once upon a time, I was looking through notes I've kept on my phone (and by once upon a time, I mean Monday and by kept on my phone, I mean "I wrote them on this here gadget thingy because my short term memory fails me due to years of excessive alcohol intake and general shenanigans so I can't remember shit.") I write everything on here: song and band names I want to come back to, random writing tidbits, things my niece has told me (verbatim, "You have to take your TOYS with you to WORK, Auntie, so you don't get bored" as I was being shoved a fistful of tiny plastic dinosaurs), quotes, etc. As I was reviewing a few items, I came across a phrase I don't remember writing, thinking, or even remembering:

"Either eat the grape, or make some wine - fuck off with the raisins, already."

Fairly proud of myself for being so clever. I'm eloquent as shit.

I didn't feel like writing last month. The end of summer in Arizona always means impatience, irritability and more impatience. The weather is still sticky and gross and sticky. And gross. I wait for the weather to get nicer so I can return to hiking, feeling more awake and less sluggish. But for me this year, the end of summer also meant the end of a friendship I thought I was going to have for a long, long time, and I was sad that it finally did.

I was friends with him for a good deal of my life down here in the AZ. 6+ years, in fact. But more than that, I loved him. Still do. Not in the same way, mind you; I care a great deal for him and I hope he will find his happiness, but I couldn't keep going with our relationship the way it was. We'd be friends, then he would get a girlfriend and ignore me, I would hate his guts, they'd break up, we would flirt, my feelings would resurface, he'd take advantage of my feelings for him being what they were, repeat 20 times. (I promise, I am going to make the connection here shortly.) Essentially, I cared a lot more about him in the end than he did for me, and it was draining. But I also believe that my allowing him to stand in my romantic doorway, so to speak, I blocked any other potential for a connection for someone pretty great. As the saying also goes, in the doorway of life, either get in or stay outside, but don't linger in the doorway and block traffic.

Don't ever do that. Don't ever get caught in the trap of allowing someone else full access to your heart if they don't appreciate it. There are so many (repeat, SO MANY) awesome people who you will meet on this grand adventure that is life that will adore you for who you are, in your weird candy coated sugary covering of weirdness and all. Granted, I allowed him to linger in my world far longer than I should have, but he was a friend. A friend who, in the end, made me feel far worse while being a part of his life than removing me from it. And that's how I knew it was over. When being around someone and involved in their life makes you feel worse than not having the person in it, well...it's essentially over. And I was done.

There is a ton more to the story that I am omitting due to not wanting a broken wrist from typing, and of course, I don't hate him. I harbor absolutely zero negative feelings for him, and I still care very much. But the moment that I made the decision to free myself was when I truly was. I ultimately found out that this separation did not make me as sad as I thought it would. An enormous weight lifted from me that I haven't felt in 6 years...and that's a LONG time to feel like anything other than yourself. 

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to make more tea, since my voice is almost gone from excessive screaming at the Depeche Mode show last night.

But remember - You are too valuable to be someone's "maybe" and not someone's "someone." You deserve to be someone's EVERYTHING.

Fuck off with the raisins already.